Here now
by jaytan
Summary: (All Human, No pack, no Cullens.) Bringing a child into the world should have been the happiest day of her life, instead she had to deal with making the choice to walk away from the man she loved. The struggles of addiction, becoming a new parent and deciding if coming back together was the right thing to do are all too real for Paul and Bella.


**A quick note: There are no supernatural elements to this one, all human and all flawed. There's no pack and no Cullens. Rated M for occasional language and adult themes.**

 **Here Now.**

That uneasy feeling rose from her very core as she sat there in the dark waiting for him to come home, she rubbed her swollen belly and the ache in her chest grew as well as the pain in her back. Picking up the phone again for the hundredth time that night she called him, there was never any answer and she was starting to feel sick. This wasn't the way things were supposed to play out, he should be here with her.

Bella clung to the sheets as her body grew more restless, this was her first baby and she had read the books and watched the videos but she was convinced it was just the stress. Standing up was only slightly more comfortable than sitting and she knew it had to be labour because it didn't let up no matter what position she got herself into, she decided to give her midwife a call it couldn't hurt. Without Paul there to help her she pulled out the pool to set up while she waited. This was supposed to be a water birth, Paul was supposed to be here to set it up for her, he promised.

The pain was coming much faster and for much longer so she knew she didn't have much time, she unlocked her front door praying that someone who knew what they were doing would show up soon. The pool was out but she knew she wouldn't be able to use it, Bella took off her pajama bottoms and put on one of Paul's big shirts, just smelling it made the lump in her throat rise. God she hated him so much, Bella breathed and grunted, she could feel her body getting ready to push, it was scary how calm she was. She threw a clean sheet on her bed and breathed through the intense and never ending pain.

"Bella!" her midwife who just happened to be her step mother Sue ran into the room just in time to grab one of the towels Bella had set down. Bella hadn't been afraid of this part, Sue had been there every step of the way, reminding her of how strong and capable she was. Pushing was the most intense thing she had ever experienced in her entire life and she felt like the luckiest woman when she was able to reach down and pull her own baby into the world. A girl, the most gorgeous human she had ever laid eyes on, it was a moment she knew would carry her through the rest of her life just fine.

The baby was too quiet and as exhausted as Bella was she was on high alert, it took a few seconds for her daughters airway to be cleared. She let out the softest cry Bella had ever heard and a flood of emotions coursed through her, Bella held her daughter while Sue assisted in delivering the placenta. "She's beautiful Bella. You did everything right tonight, I'm so proud of you." Neither of them mentioned Paul's absense, Bella was pretty sure she knew where he was but she was too drained to care anymore. Sue helped her get the baby latched on and cleaned up the room for her. "I'll be camped out in the spare room if you need me okay?" Bella nodded not taking her eyes off her daughter. "Thank you Sue." And just like that Bella was on her own with her daughter. Just like that she was a mother, she held her daughter in her arms, she didn't check the time again because nothing else in her world mattered with that tiny hand wrapped around her finger. Thick black hair poked up from her tiny head, Bella stroked her cheek, her face had turned an odd colour after she came out, Sue told her it was normal for the baby to be red or even a little bruised looking after birth so she wasn't too worried, she was just in awe of how amazing she was.

Eventually Bella fell asleep, her daughter bundled in the cot beside her bed. She woke to Paul as he collapsed beside her, he reeked of booze and another woman. Had he even noticed the baby beside her? She didn't think so or maybe she thought he just didn't care. "Hey babe. Sorry I'm late." he mumbled and slurred out an apology and that was her breaking point, she had had enough. She waited until he was out cold before picking the baby up and bringing her out to Sue. Quietly she packed what she could fit in the one suitcase he hadn't destroyed in one of his alcohol induced rages, Sue helped her with the baby's things and they climbed into the car and drove to Sue and her fathers house. It was 5 in the morning when she finally looked at the time. Charlie opened the door and Bella could no longer hold back, she sobbed into her father's arms as he did his best to comfort her. This was supposed to be the happiest day of her life and of course she was absolutely thrilled to be a mother, but Paul should have been there. "I'm sorry Bells."Charlie said as he stroked her hair, she choked on her sobs. Her body ached but her heart ached more.

Finally she collected herself enough for her father to meet his grand daughter. It was a wonderful moment to see him so overcome with joy and love, just as she was. "She looks just like you did Bells, beautiful." It occurred to Bella at this point that she hadn't even named her. What had her and Paul discussed? She was angry enough to just dismiss the names he came up with all together. She had forgiven him and defended his stupid behaviour an embarrassing amount of times, he deserved so very little from her or their daughter. It wasn't fair that he continued to act like she didn't matter so why should she give him something as important as naming their daughter when he couldn't even be there for any of her appointments and then he missed her birth. No, Bella decided he didn't have a say in her name, he could fuck himself if he thought differently.

The house was quiet as the sun began to come up, Charlie had been holding the baby as Sue helped Bella clean herself up and eat. "Beautiful girl." He whispered to his grand daughter. "I'm always going to be here for you and your mom." He promised her, she slept in his arms while Bella rested, he was so proud of his daughter, always had been but especially now. Sue had told him just how calm and strong she had been when she arrived, even if she was alone. That part he couldn't believe, Paul had always been good to her up until recently things were great between them, or he thought maybe she was just really good at pretending they were. It was upsetting to know she was alone, what if something happened to her or the baby? Charlie took a breath to calm himself down, he knew he couldn't interfere in her relationship but God did he want to shoot that fucker in the foot.

Bella woke to the soft crying she had come to know as her daughters, Sue had walked into the room staring down at her with such love in her eyes it made Bella's heart swell. Sue had been such a huge part of her life since marrying Charlie and even before that, she had been more of a mother than her own and she felt it was important that she found some way to honour her step mother. She had gone through hundreds of names throughout her pregnancy and had been looking up variations of Sue's name, Shoshanna came up and Bella instantly fell in love. Paul had of course hated it but she had kept it in mind, now that she stared between her daughter and Sue she knew it was perfect.

"I had to practically wrestle her out of your dad's arms." Sue said as she handed the baby to her. Bella laughed, she was so grateful for them both. "Thank you and dad, I feel a lot better." she really did "I decided on a name." Bella suddenly felt nervous but continued. "Shoshanna, it's a version of Susanne, I wanted her to be named after someone she would be proud to be named after." Sue had sat down on the bed she had been quiet and it worried Bella until she looked over and saw her wiping tears from her eyes. She wrapped Bella in the most gentle and warm hug. "I am so honoured Bella." Sue looked down at the baby girl and kissed her on the head. "And Shoshanna." They were interrupted by what sounded like shouting outside, Bella got up to peak out the window, she knew it was Paul.

Charlie heard his truck pulling into their driveway, without hesitation he was out the front door to make sure Paul didn't pull anything stupid. "She here?" he was so hostile and rude that Charlie wasn't sure what approach to take, he had been a cop for a long time, long enough to know not to make whatever the situation was worse, he nodded stiffly. "Yes she's here, can we help you with something son?" Charlie had respected Paul up until that day, he didn't think it could ever bother him to see someone so much but seeing him looking so smug after everything he had put his daughter through just made his blood boil. "I have a right to know where my girlfriend, the future mother of my child is." Charlie shook his head, he was about to lay into him when Sue came outside. "Paul, she wants to see you but you need to calm down before you come inside our home, do you understand?" He glared at them both a long moment before agreeing. Charlie let him through, he had never seen Paul so aggressive and angry, it scared him to think what his daughter was putting up with at home. Sue shook her head sadly as they hung back in the front room. Bella had already asked them to stay with them and of course Charlie agreed, he would never say no to his daughter and now he thought, there was no way he was going to let her leave if this is what she had to go home to.

Bella steadied herself, her daughter still nursing. Paul walked into the room and all the steam and bravado turned to shame when he realized what he had missed. Bella sat up straighter, adjusting the baby and pillow. "Her name is Shoshanna." He looked completely torn and it gave her the tiniest bit of satisfaction to know he wasn't a part of it. For the first time in a long time Bella felt the strength she thought she no longer possessed, she was calm and confident. "You can hold her if you want." He crossed the room and she could see the bruises on his neck, he caught her staring and apologized. Bella felt the fury rise but she bit it down, this was not the time. It was no secret that he slept with other women but did he really have to let them mark him up like that? Bella hesitated but handed her over, she knew he wouldn't hurt their daughter.

"Shoshanna..." He held her smiling as if this was the happiest moment of his life, Bella tried not to let the bitterness consume her. It tore her up inside to see him so happy, she hadn't seen him like that in long time. Neither of them said anything as he sat their with their daughter in his arms, she would catch him staring at her but when she would look he would drop his head. Eventually their daughter broke the silence. Bella took her back and changed her as Paul watched on.

"I'm sorry Bella." He said. She refused to look at him because she knew it was bullshit. "Okay Paul." she continued to look down at her daughter instead. "I mean it, I should have been there for you." Bella shook her head. "But you weren't and I don't know if I could ever forgive you for this."She wanted to get up and hit him with something. "You missed the birth of your daughter because you were being...you." Paul said nothing. Part of her wanted to know who it was that he was messing around with but she knew better, it didn't matter who, it was always someone it would always be someone else. "I'm going to stay here with my parents until I can get a place of my own." That got his attention, she met his eyes, daring him to say something, as if he could say anything, it was obvious he had checked out of their relationship ages ago, she refused to be someone he settled for anymore.

"Can we just try again?" He had the nerve to look hurt by her decision. "No." Bella knew she didn't need to explain herself, this was what he wanted anyway, he was just too much of a coward to break up with her. "I hate you with every fiber of my being Paul but I'll work on forgiving you for our daughter. I would rather not see you at all right now." She took a deep breath to calm herself. "Understand that I am giving you a chance to be the good father I know you can be to your daughter, I can't tell you how to live your life and I wont so just know that our daughter deserves so much better than this." She ended the conversation there and let him hold his daughter again before he left.

Walking away from him was not the hard part, it was everything that came after. Bella had not intended on being a single mother but she reminded herself that had she stayed with Paul she would be doing the same amount of work with the added stress of his drinking and cheating. Still though, not knowing what to expect was the worst feeling. He bounced from woman to woman as she knew he would and she had heard he had been using hard drugs as well as binge drinking, it ate her up inside but she knew she couldn't help him.

Through her daughters roughest nights and most trying days Bella bit down on those hateful feelings she thought about Paul. Just getting through it and then knowing it would be the same, if not worse, the next day was a constant struggle. Paul stopped trying and she stopped hoping that might change. Even if Charlie and Sue said they didn't mind her and Shoshanna staying as long as they needed, Bella felt bad about taking up so much space in their home. It bothered her enough to go back to her job earlier than expected. Fortunately for her the hours she had at the community center were pretty flexible and she had help from her parents as well as her step siblings Leah and Seth when it came to Shoshanna, she considered herself very lucky for the amount of support she had.

Charlie had come to work one day to find Paul in his office, the anger flared up instantly until he got a good look at him. Paul hadn't been around much in the seven months since his daughter was born, there was always gossip about what he had been up to but Charlie ignored it. It was obvious he had been coming off drugs or alcohol, probably both. There were dark circles under his eyes, his hair looked like it hadn't been washed in at least a week, he had a scruffy beard and his clothes hung loosely from his body. Charlie also noted that he looked like he lost a good twenty pounds which made him look scarily thin in the face. "Chief I need help." Paul had finally said. Charlie nodded stiffly, he could see that Paul did need help. Part of him wanted him to suffer for what he put Bella through but he knew how much this addiction was hurting her too. If he had the chance to see her better and for his grand daughter to have a real father, well who was he to get in the way of Paul seeking help."I'm sorry I haven't been around, there's no excuses I've been the worlds shittiest father." Paul wiped at his nose with his sleeve, Charlie handed him a box of tissues. "I can make some calls but I think we're going to need to get you out of here for a bit." Charlie extended his hand to Paul. "I'm glad you're ready to get help son."

The day Paul was leaving for rehab he came to Bella's apartment, she was just getting home from work and was startled to see him slumped over in front of her door. "Paul?" He sat up straighter, his body ached from withdrawals and he slowly pulled himself off the floor. "Sorry. I know I should have called." He was pleading even if he knew he didn't deserve an ounce of sympathy from her after all he had done. Her eyes had softened a bit as she looked him over, he knew she could see how pathetic he was, she had always seen it. Bella opened the door and invited him in. As Paul looked around at all that she had to rebuild because of him he broke down crying. Of all the shitty things he had ever done in his life, he knew that not fighting harder for Bella Swan was the worst. Bella went to the kitchen and came back with a glass of water for him. "Come sit down Paul." He followed her into her living room and sat down across from her. Where could he even begin with her? He wanted another chance but he knew it was wrong to even ask, he knew he didn't deserve it.

"My dad tells me you're going to treatment for a while." She said, he nodded but wouldn't look at her. "Paul, I want you to get better, for yourself because you deserve to live out a full life and for Shanna because she needs a dad she can count on." Bella sniffled and he finally looked at her. "I want to be better for her..." And for you he wanted to say but he wouldn't do that to her again, he was done hurting Bella. It was comforting for him to see just how strong she was, she definitely didn't need him and it made him ashamed to admit to himself that he hadn't thought about that at all. Bella allowed him to stay until Leah arrived with their daughter. Paul felt his heart sink again, how had he allowed anything to come before this beautiful girl? She had no idea who he was and it was a kick to the gut he knew he had to take. Bella had done her best to remain civil while he was there and she even tried to get their daughter to warm up to him. It was time to go and he looked at them both knowing the next time he would see his daughter she would be almost one. "We could skype or facetime and she'll know you a bit better the next time she sees you." Bella said, she had looked hopeful. Paul agreed, he was so grateful for another chance to be in his daughters life.

It hadn't been easy balancing work and parenting but Bella was managing a lot better these days. Paul had been in treatment for two months and kept his promise to face time every other day. It was so good to see his face looking healthy again, to see life in his eyes. Their daughter was walking along furniture and saying mama and baba and she was beginning to recognize her father, Bella tried very hard not to get her hopes up too high when it came to Paul, but the more she talked to him the harder it became. "Hi baby girl." Paul's voice blasted from her ipad, she smiled from behind their daughter. Shoshanna screeched and clapped when she saw him, Paul lit up from his end of the screen. "She's grown so much!" he looked and sounded so proud. Bella peaked around her daughters head to nod. "She's in a size 2 already, she's growing like a weed!" Paul laughed and Bella could not wipe the giant grin off her face, he looked like the old Paul, the one she had fallen in love with. "You been alright Bells?" He asked sounding as if he were trying to keep the conversation light but she was sure she could hear worry in his voice. "I've got good days and bad days but don't we all?" she tried to tease. Paul's smile faltered, she thought he needed to understand not everything was his fault, he needed to let go of that guilt. "It's okay though Paul, Shanna pulls me through the tough days." Bella smiled because it was true, even on the tough days where their daughter was the cause of so much stress. Paul nodded in understanding. Shoshanna squeaked and squirmed in Bella's lap. "I'm just gonna put her down for a nap, same time Wednesday?" Bella asked. Paul nodded as he smiled at his daughter and Bella. "Yes, I love you..."he said, Bella could swear he was looking at her, she grabbed her daughters hand to wave back. "Say I love you too daddy." Paul blew his daughter kisses and then ended the call. Of course he loved his daughter but the words had slipped out while he looked at Bella, he had another month left before he could see them in person and he knew he had to stop with the feelings, the last thing he wanted was Bella pushing him away. If she accepted him as just a person she co parented with, he had to take that, this was no longer about his feelings for her.

Bella could not get that look out of her head, his eyes had been on her and she knew it but she couldn't and wouldn't put herself through that again, she had more respect for herself than to be his doormat again. Paul was looking better but it didn't mean he had changed, she wasn't a complete idiot. However, she began to remember the better times in their relationship and it did make her miss him, that she couldn't help though, she was only human after all. Shoshanna went through growing pains and teething all at once and although it was stressful, Bella was glad for the distraction. Their afternoon face time routine with Paul had been going great and she didn't want to mess it up with the "what if's."

Paul completed his program just before his daughters first birthday, he had been sober for 92 days. It was hard to come back to the place where everything was a reminder of how horribly he had fucked up. The house he lived in was a complete wreck, there was still untouched booze in his fridge, he poured that shit down the sink and then started cleaning. As much as he wanted to run over to Bella's apartment to see her and their daughter he knew he had to wait until she had the time and until she was ready to have him there. So he kept busy, got himself a job doing construction with one of his high school buddies, Sam. The time he had without drinking or drugs gave him time to think, he wondered when and why he spun so out of control. Perhaps it was when his father died. He hated the guy but it brought back a lot of things Paul hadn't dealt with, he swore he would never be like that alcoholic loser and then one day he realized that's exactly who he'd become. The man Paul had been before that was good and honest, he just quit caring about himself and in doing that he hurt Bella. It was all damaging and he realized that now, she had been the only light in his dark life and once she left, he could no longer see a reason to try. It was a pathetic excuse for a life he was living, he knew that.

Bella was always busy or he thought she really just wasn't ready to see him yet, he could understand that, he traumatized her, abused her and nearly broke her, if she never wanted to see him again he would understand. But then she showed up to his house, with their bubbly daughter in her arms, she kept a safe distance from him and it hurt but he knew it was for the best. Shoshanna though recognized him and immediately lit up when she saw him, he wanted to reach for her but hesitated. Bella chuckled. "She's been saying dada the past few day's she must have sensed you were close." He opened his arms and his daughter practically leaped from Bella. They both laughed. Bella looked around the house nervously until she saw him watching. "It's just...I haven't been here since that night." The night that she nearly had their daughter alone while he was off being stupid. "We could go somewhere if you want." Bella nodded holding her chest, he grabbed his sweater and followed her out the door, Shoshanna was thankfully oblivious to the tension around her. "I can't breathe in there." She said, her voice had risen in pitch, he wasn't sure what he could do without fucking things up. "I'm..." sorry he wanted to say but it wasn't enough, it would never be enough. Bella nodded though and her breathing slowed back down. "I don't hate you anymore Paul." she said as she stopped on the very edge of his yard. "It won't always feel like this." She said as they continued to walk away from the house. They spent time at the beach, it was where they first met. It was at one of the bigger beach parties he remembered. They bumped into each other and he swears it was love at first sight, Bella used to laugh and call him cheesy but he meant it. There was something about her he couldn't explain but he knew she was it for him. Paul smiled at the memory, at least he had that.

Paul watched on as Bella held onto their daughter as she stumbled along the damp sand, her tiny feet imprinted with every step she took. When Shoshanna began to whine Bella had brought her to him to hold. He walked with her along the shore line until she fell asleep in his arms. It was hard for him not to be emotional around her, she was so little and fit so perfectly in his arms. Bella hung back a bit watching them, the piece of her heart he'd ripped out was mending, it was good to see him sober again, good to see him taking care of himself and even better to see him with their daughter. While he stood near the water, Shoshanna still asleep against his chest she pulled her phone out and snapped a few pictures. They stayed until the clouds rolled in, it had been a really nice afternoon and Bella was glad they went to see him.

Shoshanna's birthday rolled around quickly, Paul was working hard at forgiving himself for the wrongs he did but it was hard to get past missing the birth of his daughter, Bella picked up on this quickly and pulled him aside as she noticed him battling himself at their daughter's birthday party."You feeling okay Paul?" He shook his head, he felt weak, he hated these moments. The moments he wanted to shut his brain off and just be numb. "I just wish I was there when you had her." He put his head down feeling pathetic again as he thought about the months of her life he missed out on. "You're here now and as long as you continue to be here it can and will only get better." Then she hugged him, it was the first time he actually touched her in a year, Paul couldn't help himself he broke down.

Bella hugged him more tightly, she had missed him a lot and it was hard not to get sucked back into her feelings, she felt the tears slip as she held him. It had been a long road and she knew it would be tough for him from here on out, he was an addict and that didn't just go away with a few months of treatment this was a lifetime battle he was in for. She wasn't sure where things would end up with him but she felt hopeful again.

They clung to each other for a few moments before Paul pulled back enough to look at her. "Thank you Bella." For their beautiful daughter, for loving him when he didn't love himself, for giving him more chances than he deserved, the list was endless. Bella smiled at him, she looked so much happier. "You're welcome." She grabbed his hand and squeezed gently. Bella had forgiven him and she was happy, he felt on top of the world in that moment as they walked back to the party hand in hand, she may never love him again but he could be okay with that.

END.

 _ **AN: Hey again! I started a different fic but was suddenly overcome with the need to write this one shot. I left it open ended in case I decide to come back to it later. Let me know what you think**_


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